Violent PBD

One night, not too long ago, I wake at 2 am to a gunshot. (Calm down Mom) I sit up and immediately begin rationalizing away the sound. "No, that wasn't a gunshot, that was metal striking metal... or something else... I was probably dreaming anyway..." In a few seconds I was doubting that I actually heard anything. Then I heard another one. Defiantly a gun shot.

I immediately recall the story of how the president of my village was attacked by armed cattle rustlers who stole his cattle and shot at his house. This occurred 2 months before I arrived in the village and caused the president to pick up and move his family compound from the outskirts of the forest into the village.

Next thought- If I was a cattle rustler I wouldn't even bother with the cows, I'd go straight for the Vaza (white person). Before I knew it I was crouched in the corner of my hut armed to the teeth with a Machete in my right hand and a hammer in my left. I was wearing a bright orange emergency whistle around my neck and plaid boxers. I considered putting some shorts on but decided against it. I figured my nakedness would only add to the element of surprise.

So then I needed a plan. First plan- Wait for footsteps then scream like a 4 year old girl with a spider in her shorts. That seemed to lack sophistication. New plan- wait for approaching footsteps then 1) blow whistle 2) announce that I have a gun, in french then in malagasy 3) wait in corner quietly, then when door opens, attack with the speed and viciousness of the killer bunny in Monty Python and TQHG.

After a half an hour stakeout, no one bashed through my door. I went back to sleep. In the morning I learned that two villagers stole two huge rocket fireworks (the kind that are illegal in the developed world) from the hotel and set them off in the village.

At least I have a plan ready for next time.

Comments

[Mom]

What do you mean, "Clam down, Mom?" That's what a mother does - panic,when her only son is living in a primitive village on the beach in the Indian Ocean,in a hut that smells like gasoline from the weekly washes to keep the insects and reptiles at bay, with only the resources that a ghecko could need, with his only defense being a Coleman lantern, with food that would have made John Belushi want to go on a hunger strike and your topic sentence is hearing a gunshot at 2AM? Geesh!

[JoLynn]

OMG. Good thing you have an attack plan...for fireworks. I laughed so hard I almost hurt myself. Again, your writing is hilarious. I am continuously enjoying your blog from Madagascar and the fact that we get to hear from you electronically from time to time.
In other news, I got my masters this weekend! Quite fun, in additon to the cap and gown I got "hooded." I missed you this weekend but I'm so proud of the work you are doing. Will write soon!
Love,
JoLynn

[A. Casalena]

..!@

[JRoss McSchwing]

man shawn i totally can't picture you doing that...except that i can.

the only thing i can't figure is how you avoided hacking off part of your leg with the hammer and bashing in a kneecap with the machete...seems like the sort of thing you would do. anyway, that's why i would never buy a gun...i'd prolly stab myself with it by accident if i ever really needed it.

that's cool there's cattle rustlers there though...when i come visit i'll bring cowboy hats for them...they'd prolly really like that and let you live (if you don't off yourself in the meantime). here i was thinking the most dangerous thing about madagascar was lemurs.